2024: A Turning Point

For the past 7 years, I’ve been feeling like I am living the same day, week, month, and year over and over again. I get up, drop off the kids at daycare or school, try to work, pick up the kids, make them dinner, and try to sleep. Most days I didn’t work on what I needed to work on, and most days I didn’t sleep much. I had some good weeks where I got a shit ton of stuff done, and then I got back to trying and not knowing when my brain would cooperate with me next. Life became a blur. Time keeps moving forward while I remain stuck in place.

After learning about ADHD around 2020, I started suspecting I had it. Since I identified the problem, I thought getting help would be easy (foolishly forgetting how U.S. healthcare treats women).

I have seen several specialists since then. One said it’s anxiety from being a new mom. One made me cry. She talked to me like I was a drug addict and told me she can’t just prescribe me stimulants. Another diagnosed me with something random that didn’t even make sense. My current neurologist said that I couldn’t possibly have ADHD because I have both a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree. She thought all of my problems were due to my sleep issues. She has at least tried to help me in other ways, so I stuck with her.

Over the years, I’ve tried various productivity techniques. Most of them work briefly or not at all. I also read that ADHD symptoms get way worse during perimenopause. I’m 43 now. I’m already struggling and the thought of things getting worse made me desperate for any help.

I tried acupuncture. I had to stop after two sessions. After they put the needles in, you have to wait. The wait was excruciating for me. It was only 15 minutes, but it felt like torture. I didn’t keep my phone with me, so I couldn’t distract myself. At the end of the 15 minutes, the acupuncturist was shocked to see me covered in sweat. I don’t usually sweat much even with a hard workout, so that was very odd. I gave it one more try, and I just couldn’t anymore.

Then I stumbled upon ADHD coaching by Dusty Chipura. Several people who I follow for ADHD advice had mentioned Dusty as their coach. I thought I’d give it a try. I did four months of group coaching at the beginning of this year. I felt like an impostor at first because I wasn’t officially diagnosed with ADHD. But I could quickly see that I was struggling with the same issues as the other people in my group. And those four months ended up being my most productive months in a long time.

After the group coaching ended, I started struggling again. Then I caught COVID and pneumonia, which took several months to recover from. Once I felt better, I went back to my neurologist whom I had been seeing for two years. She was also getting tired of hearing me say that nothing she had recommended was working. She said, “Let’s just try some meds and see how it goes.” We started on a low dose of Strattera. (I can’t take stimulants because long COVID makes my heart race. Stimulants would worsen that condition.) Strattera works by indirectly increasing dopamine levels in the brain.

It took two weeks to see changes. I had lots of side effects. But after two weeks, the changes were just so drastic. It felt magical. Then I didn’t have refills, and my doctor kind of ghosted me for a few months. Thankfully, she reached back out this month in December and gave me a refill. It took three weeks to see the effects this time. The changes aren’t as drastic as the first time, but life is still so much better now.

1. I can focus. I usually get distracted every two minutes from my own thoughts 😅. I can focus for long periods of time now. I started and finished this blog post and setup a new website for this blog today even with my loud kids running around behind me.
2. I can read. I used to have trouble reading boring books but I could breeze through books that I found interesting. But it’s gotten so bad this year that I couldn’t get through a paragraph without getting distracted. I have not read one book from start to finish this year. But I picked up a random book this month and I’ve managed to read through a third of it.
3. I eat less. Usually, I crave carbs constantly, especially at night. If I’m not getting dopamine from social media or k-dramas, I need to eat carbs. I don’t have cravings as much now.
4. My mind is quieter. I am able to do all of these because my brain has calmed down. It doesn’t take me off on random tangents as much.

I still have to use all of the tactics that I learned in group coaching, but they are much more effective now.

Now, where do I go from here? First, I have a lot of anger. What if someone had believed me and helped me? My life would have been so different. I could have done so much. I feel like I wasted my 30s.

Still, I’m grateful that things finally changed. I’m thankful to Dusty for validating my experiences rather than dismissing them. I’m grateful to my neurologist for eventually changing her mind, and to my husband for supporting our family while I work to get my life back on track. I went from losing hope to feeling hopeful.

I’m still worried that these meds will stop working at any time and that I have to do all the things before they do. But I know that’s a recipe for burnout. I am going to take it slow, day by day.

I’m excited to work on the things I’ve been wanting to for Diversify Tech. I miss coding, and I want to go into Data Engineering. I’m excited to study and build upon my past experience as a backend dev. I’m looking forward to being more present for my family. I’m looking forward to working on both my mental and physical health.

I’m looking forward to living life instead of letting it pass me by. 2025 will be the start of a new chapter in my life. I can’t wait to begin. 😊